These past couple years have been no ordinary years.
They have given me a message, a discovery that ties with who I am to become.
The year of 2017, when I was on the brink of believing myself to become a failure after graduating high school because of the lack of success in my life, there was a breakthrough. I found myself beginning to walk on a path to success where I have been able to turn my longterm dreams into a reality. Realizing that God is always truly with me was one of (if not) the greatest discovery in my life.
I could see that I was being tested. I lost a lot of things during the summer. My job, my love, my happiness, my faith, all of which I thought wouldn’t return as I sat in despair. But the power of prayer is not to be underestimated at all. You may believe nothing to come about, but something will come in due time. Thats if you have the endurance to last until the time of it’s arrival. And that was all it took for me to see the better days.
The year of 2018 will be known to me as the year that I discovered my true flaws & faults. Losing those that I truly loved because of the faults I was yet to realize made me see it all during my time alone. As if it was some kind of Revelation that would impact the future me. I am foolish, crazy, impatient, a deceiver, traitor, manipulator, a poison to some people. Most would never be able to openly admit to things like that & would cloud it all with the opposite yet show in their actions who they truly are. I would always claim myself to be such a good-hearted righteous boy, but would fail to live up to that title in many ways.
Had I not discovered the evil tendencies I carried, more people would be hurt by me. I could not ignore the things I said about myself & the things people have said about me. All of which were always true. Some things I would always try to deny but knew it to be true. When I would try & push for a change, I’d end up falling right back in some way. Some decisions I’ve made were based off the evil tendencies. I’d allow my personal desires to affect my judgment, even if they would result in hurting someone. It would always take the worst of things to happen for me to discover the repercussions of my actions even if I believed them to be reasonable.
I find myself at a constant battle with my fantasy & my reality. Things that I dream & fantasize about I sometimes would want to happen in reality, but am constantly reminded that you could never combine the two. Whereas in a fantasy world, everything does not have to make sense. The complete counter to reality vice versa.
That battle has always taken place within me. Where I would think some things I do would be for the better, but the steps I take in reality do not show hardly any good within that decision. All that was a factor in why certain things transpired.
I know I will forever be far from a perfect man. I nearly hated who I was & felt like it would get worse as years would pass. But now I know that I am always in full control of my own destiny. Each & every decision I make determines my fate.
There is just so much I’ve become aware of. More aware of the inner demons I face. More aware of the inner struggles between fantasy & reality. More aware of the corruption in the world I live in. More aware of how society views someone like I. More aware of the humble spirit within me that stops me from ever believing myself to be above or better than another human being. A trait that so many lack which have resulted in so much chaos & destruction.
I don’t want people to consider me as smart, nor do I want people to mistake me to be dumb. I carry my own point of view. Some will agree, some will disagree, that is the freedom of choice in which we all possess. I don’t want to be an enemy to anyone yet I know I’m not going to be everyone’s friend. I don’t want to sway people into believing that I am a good innocent person despite sometimes getting my hands dirty.
There’s just no way that I could always be one-sided. I can’t always agree, but I can always understand. I can understand why people choose to do what they do. I can understand why I myself chose to do the things I did. Regardless of the good or bad results, to make a decision, one must utilize the mind. If the mind is corrupted, then you’ll understand the results of one with a ruined mind attempting to make a decision. Even those with a healthy mind are never immune to corruption. It can come from whatever the mind chooses to grasp & keep stored. And to purge yourself from corruption, one would go against whatever the mind believed was the right thing to do.
But how would one know if going against the mind is the right thing to do? The results would be the answer. The outcome could be good, but spiral into the opposite in due time. Vice versa. That was a big lesson learned in 2018. Could the same cycle happen once again?
It is not like I’m immune to it just because I understand it. Nobody could ever be immune to good or bad decisions. Having an awareness allows you to prevent yourself from making such decisions, yet doesn’t mean your awareness will never fail you.
However, we have only just begun. Who we will become is still yet to be discovered.
My journey…our journey…has yet to end.